The Weapon
This seemed an appropriate title for this post for two reasons, only one of them being obvious. The obvious reason is that I intend to discuss the value (or lack thereof) in taking a weapon along with me when I embark upon a 1,300 mile walk from America’s Wang to America’s, I don’t know…Earlobe. The less obvious reason is because I’m already taking a weapon, and his name is Adama. More to the point: his name is Adama and one of his many nicknames is “the Weapon.” He’s also sometimes called “Ad-Rock,” “Stinko Man,” “Dama,” “the Damanator,” “Damano,” “the Lalai Dama,” “Notre Dama,” “the Fighting Adama,” “Wild Man Dama,” “the WMD,” and of course, “the Weapon of Mass Destruction.”
If I was a betting man, I’d guess that that last pair of nicknames might get this blog read by a few of the nice gentlemen down at the FBI. Welcome, fellas! I promise I’m not a terrorist. Please vote on the charity I’ll be walking for.
Anyway, reader, if you’ve ever had the pleasure to meet Adama, you’re already aware that “the Weapon” is a misnomer. Really, there’s not a more ridiculously friendly dog on the planet. If I’m ever mugged during the walk, Adama would be just as likely to lick the mugger’s face as he would be to defend my life. He’d probably even go home with the guy, tail wagging like it’s mealtime. And forget about it if I ever encounter a bear. Adama and the bear would be fast friends – and after they got bored with me, they’d head for the Appalachians, getting themselves into any number of wacky adventures. It’d be just like Milo and Otis, only instead of a cuddly little kitten, you’d have a vicious, vicious bear.
So, yeah, onward. Apart from that set of teeth on four legs I call Adama, the question is, will I require a weapon when I go walking? Will there ever be a time when I absolutely need to defend my life? And then if the answer is yes, the question becomes, which weapon would be best?
Lemme give you a little background. I plan on starting my walk somewhere in South Florida and ending in Pittsburgh, PA. I’ll be taking trails (like the Florida and Appalachian Trials) for a portion of the trip, but certainly not the majority. The goal is to encounter a broad range of people while I’m out, and I figure the best way to do that is to pass through as many towns as possible. So imagine me walking along county highways day after day, staying in the woods night after night, and occasionally crashing in or near small towns I’ve never known. Try hard not to imagine Deliverance. Did you just imagine it? Yeah, me too. And it’s exactly those kinds of thoughts that make me want to take a gun. Or an axe. Or at least a taser.
But is that really a good idea? I certainly walk the liberal side of the political line, and since that’s the case, things that kill tend to give me the willies. Guns and axes and tasers only escalate most disputes, in my opinion. Let’s say I encounter a man with a gun – and that man wants my backpack and maybe even my dog. If I’m unarmed, the only thing that will happen is this: the gun-carrying man will get my backpack and maybe even my dog. I’d be left broke and companionless and shivering sadly on the roadside. But I’d be left alive. Now, let’s say I have a gun, too. Well, hell. Somebody’s gonna die. And depending on who that somebody is, I might still wind up losing my pack and my dog.
Anyway, I don’t want to get all political on you. Let’s just assume that a weapon is a possibility on this little hike (it is). I’m giving you five options, reader, and asking you which one you would choose…
A gun. A big, shiny, get-the-hell-away-from-me gun. My favorite author, Hunter S. Thompson, would certainly approve. But would my mother? And could I ever live with myself if I had to use it? I mean, we’re talking about a guy who cried like a schoolgirl when he hit a deer with his car back in 2001 (and the deer lived, no less).
An axe. No, not, like, a medieval axe. I’m talking, like, a hatchet. This one might wind up being the most likely, given that the more peaceful end of its usefulness might come up from time to time on a cross-country hike. Firewood is good. Of course, any gun-toting mugger or claw-baring bear would probably laugh at me if I flashed a hatchet at them. I’m not exactly John Malkovich at the end of Burn After Reading.
A knife. Again, this is probably a necessity anyway, even without the bonus that it could maim someone who just won’t leave me alone.
A taser/stun gun. To be honest, I think I’m partial to this one. It’s incapacitating. It’s non-lethal. It freaking works. And let’s get down to brass tacks here: its effects are positively hilarious (Warning: link NSFW).
Mace. Ah, old reliable. It’s small and lightweight (crucial when walking as far as I intend to walk). I can loop it over my wrist. And if I have to use it, at least I’ll be able to sleep at night knowing that I didn’t harm anyone or anything long-term. But would it stop a grizzly? Really?
So that’s that. I open the floor to you, reader. Do I need a weapon? If so, which one? I welcome your comments on the question. If the comment link I’ve tried to embed at the bottom of this post doesn’t work for you, there is a comment button just beside the date stamp, which resides right under the title of this post. No, it isn’t the most obvious comment button in the blogiverse, but it’s there. Yep, it’s a nice light gray link, just begging to be clicked.
Thanks for reading. I invite you to tune in tomorrow, when I’ll be asking my first guest blogger to weigh in. Believe me, Adama has plenty to say. He’s like James Carville with fur, only I’m betting you’d be far more likely to trust him around your kids. And he’d sooner die than cheer for LSU.
Oh, and if you haven’t already, please check out my first excerpt. Sorry. That’s the last time I’ll shamelessly direct you to Chapter One. I promise.
taser – hell, i’ll even buy it for you if you let me test it out on you first!
Kyle,
I’d recommend a refillable bottle of Jack Daniels. And if you take me up on my rec, all of the above become even more dangerous in your possession. Trust me readers, I’ve seen the man drink.
@Larry
Ah, but have you ever seen me shoot when I drink? If it’s anything like I dance when I drink, then I’ll be the greatest shot who ever lived. Nevermind that everyone’s running for the exits; in my own swirling mind, I’m legendary.
@j.e.o.
I tell you, j.e.o., if I had a quarter for every time you tried to do me bodily harm…
Taser for scary bums and bears.
Knife for backup, trail utilization, and fun. Also may come in handy as a mirror if it’s shiny enough.
Vetoing the guns — agree with your liberality.
@ Amanda
i agree with amanda that the knife could come in handy as a mirror when combing your mullet or picking your teeth.
I agree with Amanda – a knife is both practical and somewhat comforting when out in the lonely woods at night (insert Deliverance music).
I’d recommend a big, rambo style machete since they’re badass, but I’m not sure how the laws work with transporting a weapon like that across state lines. I suppose the same comment holds for a smaller knife too though.
What about a rape whistle? Seems like a good way to summon additional mountain men if you’re being accosted.
Co-worker of JEO’s here. I suggest 1) be safe and 2) be prepared. Accordingly, the knife and hatchet should be in your backpack regardless. Try cutting mole skin for your blisters with your teeth. It doesn’t work. The hachet – firewood is good; enough said. Plus a hatchet can double as a safety device.
As for the gun issue throw out the gun carrying republican and tree hugging liberal ideologies for a moment and think of practicality. In order to carry a handgun, you are going to need to make sure that you have the proper licenses (if concealed) for each states that you are going through as well as any state or national forests. If you are carrying but not concealed i.e. hip holster be prepared to have law enforcement stop you. With that being said, there are bears and dogs and snakes and creepy people between Florida and here; I suggest “The Judge” by Tarus .45/.410 pistol.
Ryan – card carrying aclu member and tree hugger.
I forgot. A bear is going to laugh at the taser and the pepper spray will just add flavor when it is eating you.
You’d definitely want a knife, for functional purposes. It works well in reality, but isn’t very scary.
A hatchet could also be very functional, but would be heavy, and not very scary. Not unless it’s already dripping blood, you’re wearing hockey pads, and a nasty-ugly hockey mask.
Stay away from the big, shiny, stay away from me gun. Think small and portable. A Keltec P380 would be a good call. A .380ACP is a great caliber for backpacking. Small and lightweight, without being too puny.
For any states where you cannot get a carry permit (FL recognizes PA, VA has a non-resident permit, but you have to pass a safety course), you’re legal as long as you separate gun from ammo.
Mace is great too, but no intimidation factor.
Kyle,
I vote for the knife for many of the practical reasons above. Just make sure you don’t keep it un-sheathed and in your front pocket while doing any walking or climbing – been there done that & Miraculously I have kids years later !
Also, if you would of had a good buck knife back in 2001 when you maimed that deer you might have been able to finish it off and gutted it right then and there. I did something like that once but it was far from a sober affair, late at night and involved a dude in a suit driving a BMW wielding a 9mm Ruger and me standing there debating on weather or not I should finish the deer off by backing my truck over his head or lumping it a few times with a tire iron. Anyhow, if I would of had a good knife I wouldn’t have needed the dude in the suit with the nine to show up.
Mom and dad and most everyone in the old neighborhood were all very proud when they got up and left for church the next morning only to see my finely gutted doe hanging upside down in the maple tree in our back yard. We lived in a somewhat “uptight” neighborhood back then. I know that even though they acted funny I could tell that a lot of my dad’s yuppie friends were probably just really jealous of my fine catch that appeared mysteriously overnight that cold November…
So, long story short – go for the blade. Pick your teeth, use it as a mirror, shave with it or gut a critter. Heck, if you get bored you could whittle some sticks with it too. Besides, tasers are no fun in the rain, an axe is too heavy to lug around, pepper spray is over-rated and you could kill someone with a gun.
Okay…..I think it would be entertaining to see Kyle with a hatchet walking through the wilderness and terrain…on strange streets or whatever! You must only carry it above your head though and talk in a scottish accent.
- A hatchet is too heavy. This book has been written. Forget about it.
- Where do you get a taser gun? They’ll come out of it. How fast can you run?
- I’m pretending you aren’t seriously listing mace.
- Just the threat of shooting is enough to scare most menaces of the human kind. But so many things can go wrong here… You ever killed a man?
- Knife: you’re bringing one anyway, right? Check.
So, besides Adama, you need a convincing toy gun and a functional knife. Obviously.