Guest Blog Thursday
When Kyle first told me of his plans for the “long walk,” the conversation went a little something like this:
Kyle: I bought some shoes today and then went to Best Buy to check out netbooks for my walk.
Me: Oh yeah? Where ya walking?
Kyle: From Pittsburgh to Key West.[1] I could have sworn I told you about it.
Me: Um, no. I’m pretty sure I would have remembered THAT!
At this point in the conversation, I decided that any further discussions about this ridiculous journey would have to be face-to-face and not subject to a 140 character maximum and T9 mode. So I put my phone down and patiently waited two weeks for Kyle to return to Pittsburgh.
And home Pittsburgh is. For me, at least. Kyle’s first home is a small town in Illinois named after the state of Oregon.[2] When he and I had this initial textual exchange – lacking as it was in all substance – we’d only known one another for a few short weeks (and he’d lived in the city of three rivers for a mere three months). Home Pittsburgh was decidedly not for Kyle.
While three months may be a decent amount of time for most people to become acquainted with a city and learn its whereabouts, as you will soon learn, Kyle is not most people. In fact, after living here for over ninety days, he could drive himself to exactly one destination in Allegheny County – a shopping center at the Waterfront that’s home to Giant Eagle, Target, and Best Buy. Even I can’t argue that you need anything more in life than those three establishments, but this beautiful city has so very much more to offer. So, while I found his complete helplessness amusingly charming, I was also bursting with excitement at the prospect of having a captivated and willing audience to show off the city that I’d grown to love over the past eleven years.
Unfortunately, my physical directional guidance was not always possible, and Kyle was often left to fend for his lost self. These various conundrums led to the creation of many a hand drawn map, which, as I’ve been told, have provided a great source of entertainment for the Kyle. The lack of a single straight road in the entire city, coupled with my reliance on landmarks over street names, topped off by my childish penmanship and penchant for non-sequiturs,[3] has made for some interesting cartographic creations.
And, yes, I do take credit for Kyle’s current ability to get to at least four different locations in the city. I’m most curious to see how a man with such a negative sense of direction can get himself, on foot, from Key West to Pittsburgh. And you should be, too. I mean, I’m currently picturing Kyle two months into his journey, lost in the middle of Nowhere, Arkansas, staring in bewilderment at a broken compass, noshing on Beneful Healthy Growth for Puppies, sporting a ZZ Top beard, and attempting to text the Google Maps helpline with a dead cell phone.
What else do I take credit for? Well, for helping Kyle to recognize what’s great about Pittsburgh – so much so that the city is playing a major role in his novel. In fact, one of my favorite and most-anticipated yearly events plays a pivotal role in the plot! And no, it’s neither the Regatta nor the Vintage Grand Prix. This isn’t a novel about crap, after all.
I also take credit for the weapon (a.k.a. Adama)…at least to the extent of his name and existence. I’ve done my mighty best to turn Kyle from a high-school jock/Notre Dame football obsessed dude into a geeky science fiction dork like myself. I’ve even succeeded, thus far, in getting him to watch Battlestar Galactica with me and to read two whole comic books (baby steps). For those of you not entrenched in geekverse, Adama is a character from Battlestar, and a rather kickass one, at that (for the record: we’re talking about Bill, not Lee…not even Fat Lee). And while I said that I was able to “get Kyle to watch” the show, what I really meant was that he became a freaky obsessive fan overnight. Aaahh, only one of the many reasons that I love him. He became such a fan, indeed, that it was a no-brainer to name his mangy canine companion after the great William A.
I do not, however, take credit for Adama’s wildman side. That’s entirely Kyle’s fault.
And for those of you still wondering, Kyle did eventually return to Pittsburgh from Uncreatively-Named-Town, Illinois, whereupon we resumed our conversation about the “long walk” sans the Send button. I don’t know how I managed to pull it off, but I was somehow able to hide my “you’re absolutely insanely crazy” face from appearing.[4] It was the first of many conversations on the subject, and I’m sure there are many more yet to come. I feel honored to be a part of this project and an idea-bouncee. Brainstorming sessions have been a hootenanny, though I’ve only contributed minor ideas to the plot like, “Your Jesus character should be a Star Wars fan!” or “You should throw in more Mitch Hedberg jokes!”[5]
As for the book, it’s gonna be brilliant. Nay, better than brilliant! It’s gonna be so incredible that it’ll be flying off the bookshelves of the Frog-in-Mouth Barnes and Noble and the Rapeland Borders. It just may even be better than those Twilight books. Maybe.
That said, you should stick around and behold his novel unfolding before your very eyes, the first Friday of every month, right here on this very site.
Oliver out.
[1] The direction of the walk has since changed to Key West to Pittsburgh on account of certain factors, including weather conditions, my preferred vacation locale for the week prior to the walk, my narcissistic desire that he walk to me (and not away), baseball’s Spring Training schedule, and most importantly, the migrational patterns of the American Bison and the mating season of the Black Lordithon Rove Beetle. [Back ↩]
[2] Have we already run out of names for cities that we must resort to naming them after states? I could come up with some plenty good city names, if put to the task. Just here in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, we have such gems as Bird-in-Hand, Jugtown, and Intercourse; leaving wide open the possibility for the cities of Frog-in-Mouth, Titsville, and Rapeland. Of course, nobody’s ever asked me to name a city. Based upon the first three names that popped into my brain, I have a good feeling about why that may be. [Back ↩]
[3] As evidenced by this entire blog entry. [Back ↩]
[4] Most likely because I’d already donned my “I’m halfway into this bottle of Chianti” face. [Back ↩]
[5] I guess you’ll just have to read the book someday to find out if he listened to me. [Back ↩]
Oh, man. There’s so much in here that I’d like to be able to refute, but it’s all true
I am gonna take issue with the mockery of my hometown’s name, though. Your hometown’s called Stow. I mean, who names their town after an action that denotes stashing something away? What, like, are you hiding something? What’s your town got to hide, Jeanette? What’s your town got to hide?
Kyle,
Finally got caught up on the blog, as well as Chapter 1. The excerpt reads great and I can’t wait to read more! The blog is going swimmingly, as well. As for bands that exhibit both vocal and lyrical prowess, I would point you in the direction of Arcade Fire, Bright Eyes, and The National.
Now, as far as weaponry is concerned, I would definitely pack some heat. In all your worrying about mountain men, bears, and other nogoodniks, you have forgotten about your biggest danger – the chupacabra. Its a proven fact that mace and tasers only further agitate the beast, and if you are willing to go one-on-one with a goat sucker armed with only a knife, then you are a bigger man than me. Cowboy, up and don’t let your liberal sensibilities get in the way of putting two slugs down its throat.
Otherwise, keep up the good work and can’t wait till I get to do my guest spot!
TKW
First of all, I really like the guest post idea. Or rather, I really like Jeanette’s guest post, you should probably keep her around and have her post more.
I would also like to take at least partial credit on the comic book front since I did hook you up with Watchmen eons before it was a movie. You’ve really blossomed into budding geek over there. I haven’t run any statistical analysis, but it probably has to do with distancing yourself from ethanol factories.
The maps are hilarious, I totally picture Kyle, lost, with one of those handdrawn maps, but the map is at the macro level, with the entire southeast on a single piece of looseleaf. And definitely with a dead cell phone, the man is unable to keep a phone juiced.
Initially, your dog looked so cute and cuddly, but on further review I think you might have gotten a terminator dog, so watch out for that. From the red eye alone, I can’t tell if he’s a T-800 or a T-1000, but you might want to bring a tanker full of liquid nitrogen and a fully operational forge just in case he’s the latter.
daniel