Jake Hendricks discusses the effects of unemployment…and Kurt Warner…

Last week, Kyle approached me through the zeros and ones of his computer to ask me about my interest in being guest blogger. First, I thought, Hell yeah! Then, I thought, What the hell am I going to write about?  I’ve got nothing going on, see.  Nothing all that interesting in my life.  Mostly, I’ve been sitting here, unemployed, with my thumb up my…ehem. But then it occurred to me that unemployment is itself a topic – one that has impacted my life more than any other that I can think of.

So let’s do this.  Please forgive the choppiness. The doctor said that I have a brain cloud, and so I figure I’ll be scheduled to take a header into a volcano any day now.

“Unemployed.”

What a disastrous word. A scenario that denotes defeat. A time of worry in reflection as well as worry in future projection. A time that’s neglecting of the spirit. In short order, my livelihood has been completely dissolved. The Man’s got me down… Or has he?  See, I’ve really just been laid off.  I’ll be returning to work in April. It’s almost guaranteed, which I guess means that I shouldn’t feel so bad for myself. A four-month vacation doesn’t sound so bad, does it, reader?

So unaffected but sympathetic, I’d still like to talk about the current state of unemployment. In short, it’s through the roof. Don’t listen to the political rhetoric, there’s no real creation of jobs anywhere within sight. And the actual unemployment numbers are far short of reality (the numbers reported only tell you who has actually filed for unemployment; it doesn’t account for the folks whose unemployment benefits have expired). So what I’m trying to say is that there’s no telling how bad it really is just yet.

I think that the first indicator of this recession’s impact will be exactly how far the food and shelter lines tend to stretch in the coming days. I would love to believe that the decency of Americans will shine thru during this hardship. There appears to be a massive outpouring of support for the people affected by the tragedy in Haiti, after all. But I have to wonder, will this support still exist for an American neighbor in need?

Hold on a second, reader. I’m watching TV while I write this, and something completely unrelated just occurred to me. I hate Kurt Warner. He’s a turd. The expression on his face whenever he appears on my LCD screen makes him look as though he’s attempting to expel a galvanized nail from his forehead by use of “the Force.” The man speaks of faith as though there’s a pre-determined outcome to a football game. I’m sick of seeing his wife, yet I am ecstatic and relieved that he’s now retired from professional football. The man can go back to bagging groceries at Hy-Vee, flirting with the blue-hairs for all I care. Just go away Kurt, and never come back.

Where was I?  Oh yeah. Unemployment. One might wonder what a man does with his time while unemployed. Well, my left hand stays busy, and so does my right – mostly when I type words into the search engine online. Wikipedia is the coolest goddamn thing I’ve ever set my sights to. Frolicking through its virtual space tops even the feeling I had upon the initial launch of Super Mario Bros, back in my youth. Subconsciously, every time I click a new link on the site, I imitate Johnny 5 from the movie Short Circuit: “Input! Input!” I say to myself while leapfrogging the links on this masterpiece of human knowledge.

So that’s what I do with my unemployed time: “research.” This “research” isn’t purely for hobby, though, reader. I do use some material for songwriting and some for learning about fungus mycelium, as I intend to expand my school studies in the near future. With both songs and science, I hope to help save the world. It’s a tall order, I know.

In my new rock band, “geologist” (shameless plug), I sing about topics from campaign finance reform to the methods of army ants. I sing about the exploitation of Gaia. I sing about going through a heart transplant, and also the idea that we are all gravity’s bitch, which in turn leads to the development of the world’s various religions. Look out for “geologist” in the future. We write some badass songs. Now, guys like Alice Cooper believe that politics should stay out of rock music. Well, I say screw you, Alice Cooper. Hell, you’d wear a diaper on stage if the money was right. And, just because you love to golf, as I do, I’m not going to let you off the hook, you shat-masticator.

As for science, I find mushroom mycelium to be quite amazing. It can/will save the planet. It restores ecosystems at an unbelievable rate. It is a natural filter and a natural fertilizer. It has simply been overlooked for too long. Believing in mycelium is one of the reasons I can be hopeful these days – and hope is the most important thing in these dark times, reader. I’ve always been a cynic, and it still bites at me, but nowadays, I bite back. Music and science have and continue to save me from the negativity that’s simply a drag.

So, Kyle. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I believe in what you’re doing. I find it inspirational, as a matter of fact. It’s positive. It’s hopeful. And that’s a necessity for success anymore. Go kick some ass!

Thank you, reader, for putting up with my ranting. And thank you, Kyle. Now I must go write a letter of apology to Kurt Warner. It’s not his fault he was born a douche-bag.